What if someone breaks into my house and microwaves my cat?

This is not a cry for help or plea for pity. If that’s your inclination, go away.

If you’ve had anxiety about completely irrational things, you know it can be absolutely dreadful. You also know it can be hilarious. Anyone who has irrational thoughts knows the time spent on those thoughts is also ridiculous, which makes thinking about the ridiculousness of the thoughts for a long time completely reasonable. Follow?

I was inspired by two things:

  1. A dear friend who developed some awful and completely irrational anxiety in her early thirties after a blissful life of good sleep and oblivion.
  2. This post from Buzzfeed that is all of us. “27 Tweets About Anxiety That Will Make You Laugh Then Cry
    • See #s 1, 3, 5, 11, 14, 15, 17, 21, 22, 27

So here’s my anxiety:

Sleep Scenario 1

1 a.m.: “I need to sleep so I’m not tired tomorrow.”

*Thinks about everything I need to be ready for tomorrow*

4 a.m.: “Today is going to suck.”

*Thinks about all the things I’m not going to do because I’m too tired*

Sleep Scenario 2

1 a.m.: “I’m so sleepy. I might sleep well tonight.”

*Thinks about morbid things for hours, including:

“What if my mom falls down the stairs and no one finds her before the rats eat her body and she’s unrecognizable?”

“What if someone breaks into my house and microwaves my cat?”

“What if a sinkhole swallows my house while I’m in it and I’m buried alive?” **Also see Sleep Scenario 3**

“This is ridiculous. These things only happen to people who live in Florida.”

*Moves to Florida*

Sleep Scenario 3 – Childhood nightmare edition

*Actual recurring dream I had as a child:

A UPS truck backs into my house, lifting a corner from the foundation. When the truck moves, the house crashes back down to the foundation and opens a sinkhole under the house. The house falls underground, burying me inside. I sit and look out from the big picture window in the living room at the dirt.

*Boyfriend gets job at UPS*

At work

*Hears the person next to me chewing, breathing, typing, having a heart beat*

*Can feel skin melting off*

*Sure heart might explode through big toe*

All the time

*Remembers some embarrassing thing that happened 10 years ago*

*Tries to convince self no one remembers*

*Mentally lists every single person who may remember what you were embarrassed about 10 years ago*

*Tries to think about something else*

*Remembers that other thing that happened 5 years ago*

At work

Manager: “Hey, let’s go over what you did yesterday and how you can do it better.”

Inner monologue: “I can’t believe I’m so stupid. I hate everything about myself.”

Manager: “It’s not a big deal. You’re doing great.”

Inner monologue: “What will I do when I get fired? I need to better prepare myself for homelessness. How did I get this job in the first place? I hope my mom didn’t fall down the stairs and die by rat mutilation so I can have a place to live when I’m homeless because I got fired for being a complete loser.”

Me: *Can’t resist urge to cry; Tear falls*

Manager: *…*

And a personal favorite from someone else (when they were 10-ish), who shall remain unnamed.

Sleep Scenario 4 – Someone else’s childhood nightmare edition

Child: “Mom, I can’t sleep.”

Mom: “Why?”

Child: “I’m afraid a plane is going to crash into the house.”

Mom: “Why do you think that?”

*20 irrational minutes later*

Mom: *Gently holding child down by the shoulders in bed* “A PLANE IS NOT GOING TO HIT OUR HOUSE. YOU HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP NOW!”

Related post: Lexapro

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