Pub-lik

Everyone has a “people in public” moment they can recall almost immediately. I guess it’s really not hard to catch people being stupid when there are a lot of people around. It’s like we all think we’re more and more alone the more people are around. You know, that moment when you’re standing there minding your own business and someone bumps into you and then they look at you like you did something wrong.

“Sorry I was standing here when you decided to walk in this direction. Clearly you thought you were the only person around,” I would say.

The other time clueless-in-public people decide to realize there are other people in the world is when he/she needs a favor.

“Can you watch my stuff while I go to the bathroom?” they would ask.

Seriously? You have no idea who I am. You have a laptop, phone, briefcase, food, a box of gold, your firstborn child, and the title to your car all out on the table here, let’s say at the coffee shop, and you want a complete stranger to be in control while you go lock yourself in a room for 5-10 minutes. (I don’t know what he’s doing in there and thank goodness he didn’t share. Although I’m surprised he didn’t.)

Sure dude. Leave me with your social security number, your credit cards, your work files, your e-mail and Facebook open. I’ll totally watch it all like it were my own. We’re not sitting right by the door and I’m certainly going to stop what I’m doing to guard your valuables while you disappear. Suuurrrreeeeee. Go ahead!

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Are you kidding? For all you know I’m sitting here next to you because you look like the kind of idiot who will eventually ask a stranger such a ridiculously presumptive question, just so I can fill my bag with your stuff as soon as you do and walk out the door that, by the way, we’re sitting right next to. So yeah, not a problem. I’ll “watch” your stuff. I’ll watch it all fall right into my bag and then onto my kitchen table where I will proceed to ruin your life as you know it.

For grief sakes, people. Don’t you watch the news? Don’t you roll your eyes when you hear about someone who sent money to a Nigerian prince based on an e-mail he/she received claiming if you just send your bank account number and social security number and $1,000, we’ll deposit $1 million into yours! Sorry to break it to you, but you’re that guy right now. You just sent $1,000 and your personal identifying information to a Nigerian prince. Except I didn’t even have to wait for the mail man to come. You brought it to me. You bought a ticket to Nigeria, dropped the envelope off, and got back on a plane to wait for your million to appear.

While you’re waiting, can you watch my stuff? I’ll be right back…..

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