Move, please –

Why is it that boys can’t be in a bathroom with someone else? Does anyone else experience this phenomenon? Granted, our bathroom is a pin prick of a space, but still. If I stand between the toilet and the bathtub with my legs crossed in front of me, (it’s the only way I’ll fit in that space), there is plenty of room for Tyler to stand in the bathroom with me.

My before bed ritual is long enough as it is. The mouthwash, brushing, flossing, face-washing, toning, moisturizing saga of my evening seems to take forever. I really don’t have time for you to pace the bathroom and brush your teeth every single night! Sometimes I start the process early in the night so I can let him do his thing whenever he feels like it. But if I’m in there when he takes the notion to do his thing, by God I’m getting out whether I like it or not. If you ask him, anyway.

Okay, I’m in here. You can see I’m in here and I can’t really communicate. That’s what the toothbrush in my mouth and the white, foamy substance on my chin means. Obvious, no? But if I assume the awkward, minimizing position between the tub and the toilet and make a “come on in” motion with my my arm followed by a whiplash neck motion I think you can figure it out. Right?

Why are you looking at me like I’m a pink and purple polka dotted elephant. Get your ass in here and spit your toothpaste out already! Okay fine, stand there and see if I care. I’m in here. I’m not moving. I’ve made room for you to do whatever you want. Not much else you’re gonna get from me, buddy.

The next 15 seconds go something like this:

Tyler’s eyebrows raise, forehead crinkles, and teeth bite down on the toothbrush. He walks toward me like he’s Hulk’s puny cousin that’s coming over to prove he’s just as scary. He’s not.

Arrives at the edge of the bathroom, leans over, and spits out his toothpaste on the floor in front of me. Looks at me for a split second with a “take that” expression and leans back in laughter.

I think I’m going to stop brushing my teeth and enforce mandatory 30 minute make-out sessions every night for a month as a punishment.

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