Really

IQ test required for tattoos?

I really like tattoos. I think they are a fabulous, artistic expression. They allow us to carry memories with us everywhere we go. When all of the smartphones die, the radios fall silent, television become mouse motels and computers iMacs are reduced to tinted mirrors, tattoos will be the living, breathing medium we can all relate to and appreciate. Body modification is a wonderful way to show individuality and I don’t judge anyone for any kind of it. Well, I didn’t.

If you know me, you know my man friend has tattoos. Zombies, grave yards, flowers — all of that. I like them. I like to look at how they change when he moves. Too creepy? Okay, anyway. I like guys with ink. However, a friend of mine and I were chatting about a boy she had been out on a few dates with and she proceeded to tell me about a very questionable tattoo.

So this guy, he’s younger than her which can be dangerous to begin with, especially if both parties are under 40. Been on a few dates, just casual. No commitments. He’s a University of Tennessee Alum, lives in middle Tennessee and seems to be an okay guy. I say “okay” in a “meh” sort of tone — mostly because he also said to my friend something along the lines of “you’re skin is browner than girls I’ve dated before.” Yeah.

So anyway, In a casual conversation via text, the boy asked my friend if she liked Ralph Lauren. Hmmm, strange question, right? But okay, “sure” she responded. This next part I’m a little hazy on the details because I was so dumbfounded listening to the story I could barely keep up. But I’ll paraphrase.

He said something to her about “living the lifestyle” in reference to Ralph Lauren and the Polo brand. By this time, I have a mental image of a blond-haired, blue-eyed, sun visor and short-khaki-shorts- wearin’ frat boy jumping off the dock into a pristine lake with 40 of his “brothers” cheering him on as if the pending splash will cure poverty and eliminate war worldwide.

The lifestyle, huh? Okay, so now what? Boy then brings up his Ralph Lauren tattoo. WAIT, WHAT?!?!?!? Ha, okay. You’ve got to be kidding. You must be mocking what I wrongly accused you of being — a ridiculous caricature of a southern frat boy.

Then it happened. *Bing* The next text came in. And there’s a picture attached.

Yes, that’s what you think it is. It’s a Ralph Lauren Polo logo tattooed on this man’s chest. It’s not even very good. It’s faded. (Must be all those trips to the lake with no sunscreen.) The lines are shotty and no where close to clean. And there’s a weird mole/birth mark thingy right next to it. Couldn’t have covered it up or tattooed over it?

Right now I want to break this down, Tosh.0 style, and dissect each part of this terrible, embarrassing, frat-tastic situation.
First, let’s start with the overall scene. You just took a picture of your chest and didn’t really try to make yourself look hot. At least flex. Have someone else take the picture. Get the shirt and what I assume is the strap that holds your sunglasses around your neck when you’re out on the boat your daddy bought you out of the freaking picture.

Second, DO NOT shame Tennessee fans this way. We get a bad enough rep already. See this image. This is so beyond embarrassing. I should also be mad at myself for not cropping the glorious power T out of this picture or Photoshopping an Ohio State logo on there or something.

Third, your nipple is in the picture. Man nipple is gross. Don’t show us that. And per your brown comment sir, you’re harrier than anyone she usually dates so there!

It’s hard to know how to close a post like this, so I will just address anyone who happens to stop by and read this far without crying, vomiting or Googling “what the hell is wrong with Tennessee fans?” :

Please, if you see this guy, or a guy like him. Punch him, point, laugh, take a picture and run away. Send me the picture.

If you are this guy, click here to get help.

If you have any opinions, don’t let them be added to the sometimes embarrassing and shameful stereotype that is the University of Tennessee and its fans. Only 1% of students are Greek douche bags like this one. Many of the redneck fans didn’t actually go to school here, therefore cannot be labeled as true fans (in my humble opinion).

Most people with tattoos get them because of a lifestyle. True. But Ralph Lauren, Polo, Neiman-Marcus or anything of the like IS NOT a lifestyle. It’s an overly-hyped, extremely boring line of clothing for people with no actual personality or sense of self.

UPDATE:

I found this image online and had to share. Not sure if this is brilliant or stupid compounded by desperation.

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